Yes, I’m stubborn, in more ways than I can count.
People offer help all the time: getting up from a chair, walking, climbing stairs, running errands, even buying things I hesitate to spend money on. And I refuse. I insist on doing things my way, making my own decisions, staying in control. That’s me.
I have stubbornness in buckets. I probably inherited it from my late grandmother. After a stroke left one side of her body paralyzed for over 20 years, she remained fiercely independent. She lived at home, faced enormous challenges, and endured hardship, not just for herself, but it also impacted those around her. Yet she was awe-inspiring. The glint in her eyes, her smile, and her unshakable determination have stayed with me ever since.
I see her in myself.
Next week, I hope, and pray, to lead the main prayers for the High Holy Days. It’s long and demanding, but I’ve done it for years. I’ve been told I can sit if I need to. My response? No way. Why? Because I’m stubborn.
But stubbornness has its limits.
As PSP progresses, I’ve had to let go, reluctantly. First a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair. I retired from work. We renovated the house. I gave up driving. I had to back out of our joint 50th birthday cruise and let my daughter accompany my wife instead. The list feels endless and often driven by the need to take others (my family) and the greater good into account.
Each time, I resisted. Each time, I eventually gave in. Sometimes I wonder if I surrendered too easily. I think about what my grandmother would have done. But it was a comment from a therapist, whom I stubbornly refused to see for a long time, that shifted my mindset. Back when we thought it was Parkinson’s, she said:
“You’re trying to fight a tsunami head-on. You will lose, and it will break you. Fight differently, like a guerrilla. Dodge, weave, accept the inevitable, but stay healthy, keep moving, resist where you can, use support and practical tools, and focus on living.”
She was right.
Coping with a stroke is terrible, but it’s not necessarily progressive. PSP moves quickly. And being stubborn can leave you fighting a losing battle.
So yes, my natural desire to be stubborn is still there. I believe it’s important. I won’t go down without a fight. But I’ve learned something even more valuable: adaptability, especially when change is inevitable.
“Stubborn as a mule”? Probably not anymore. But stubborn? Absolutely.
Finding the balance is critical, for all of us. And I’m still fine-tuning it.
