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I’ll admit it: I’m a complicated person. Half the time, I’m not even sure what I want and it changes in a split second. I can be a bit of a pain in the proverbial, and not all (and many would say “not any”) of it is down to PSP.
I’m restless and bored on one hand, craving something to do. My life used to be so busy – full of adrenaline – and I miss that. In four weeks I have written two books and countless blogs but yet I remain lacking of adrenaline but I have to get used to it because stress is something I must avoid and the truth is that now even a short conversation can leave me drained.
Back in the day, I’d run client workshops for three days straight – in Arizona hotel rooms, French chateaux, or German factories. I’d be laser-focused on every detail: body language, reactions, timing, improvisation. It was exhilarating but exhausting. Afterward, I needed time to recover.
Now? A half-hour meeting can wipe me out to the same extent.
If I’m also honest, I’m scared of going out. Too many incidents of freezing, powering down, and falling have made me cautious. Home feels safe. I’ve got everything I need – and a loyal dog for company. When I need to try to nap, he happily follows and doesn’t ask me questions
Food is another factor. The fear of choking is real, and my non-texture diet limits options so much that eating out feels more stressful than enjoyable. It’s one more reason why staying in feels easier.
It’s a tough balance. I know fresh air and human connection matter, but part of me loves the silence and the chance to rest. Other times, I feel a ‘little’ sorry for myself. Writing helps – it reconnects me with my positive self and the wider world.
Like many people, I want my cake and eat it too: company and attention, but also peace and quiet. The grass is always greener, isn’t it?
Tonight, a walk with my wife and dog helped get me out of a funk – and hopefully, if my eyes are up to it, an episode of an American cop show will round off the evening. I just need to find the right balance… and I guess I’m not the only one. As my capabilities diminish this will be something I will increasingly need to find ways of coping with but I go back to a post from a long time ago (or so it feels) – my home is not a prison, it is more like an Ark.
