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It is always dangerous writing about attitude because it makes you sound pious, pretentious and opens you up to reversing the messages when the going gets tough. Well, the going is tough and I am going to take it on.
There are people living in what I call ‘denial’ – an inability or unwillingness to see the reality of their own or someone else’s situation. It’s a defence mechanism that makes people feel better temporarily, but it often fuels depression and addictions the world over – drugs, alcohol, self-harm – you name it. Denial, in my book, is not the answer. We have to face our fears and we all have them – the exam, the medical test, the search for a job, the economic challenges, the terminal illness.
Another trap is comparing myself to others. It is such an imprecise measure. No one knows what lies behind the façade. People look healthy, rich, and happy, but everyone has their share of knocks. Looking across and being either jealous or envious just doesn’t help.
Thankfully, I think G-d has dealt me a hand I simply can’t deny or ignore:
- PSP – a disease which is surely eating me
- Bell’s Palsy – an added benefit I received this week which despite not being a stroke is still more than a little annoying
- Retirement at 50
- Inability to move outside independently
- Muscle Pain, vision issues, inability to walk and one step from a feeding tube
- Wheelchair-bound now at home
- Shall I go on?
I am not in denial, and I am not ignoring the pain. It is 00:26, and I have not slept and am unlikely to – likely due to the steroids I am on for this annoying Bell’s Palsy, which comes on top of the PSP, which comes on top of life.
As I head ever nearer an abyss (and yes, there are those who choose to deny it), I am maintaining my positive attitude. But what do I mean by that?
I am consciously choosing to focus on:
- Being a proud father and husband—and soon to be Father of the Bride—a job I have always wanted.
- The fact that this disease has been visited on me and not on my close family, which I would have found infinitely harder to accept.
- My great friends and family.
- Loving aspects of life—laughing over the absurd (and there is a lot of it), writing, and tennis (who can forget that Semi-Final day?).
- Increasingly coming to be in a good place with my lot spiritually and deepening my faith.
Why do I choose to write now? I always said, as far back as five years ago, that Attitude was important, but I was a newbie then. Now, I have “skin in the game,” and my theory is proving right.
William James, the father of modern psychology, once wrote: “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” I would go further and say that Panic is simply the worst position where you do not choose any thought – you allow the thoughts to wander and lead you.
At 00:38, I am using that weapon.
I could be morose. Indeed, I would describe my fear and anxiety as high at times. But I am not jealous or envious of anyone. I don’t look across and compare myself to others because I cannot see behind their skin to the pain they feel. I can only draw a picture of how I am progressing on the path I believe I have been destined to walk.
This isn’t just a message about PSP. It is relevant for all of us. Each of us can choose our attitude – it is one of the few things not forced upon us.
Why am I writing this at such a late hour? It is my way of dealing with the massive load placed on my shoulders and to be honest I can’t sleep. I have a choice: to compare myself to others, or to the past me, or the future me that won’t enjoy the things he hoped he would.
I have to compare myself to no one other than my present self. And in the present, as I type this, I feel grateful. Not a “grateful in denial”—I know my challenges. And not grateful compared to others. But I feel positive in myself and the moment I find myself in.
Tomorrow is Australian Open Finals day. A few weeks away is my daughter’s wedding. I have a hard week emotionally ahead, but I am resolute that I will come through it.
