No Saint Here – Staying Positive Is a Critical Battle, and Some Days I Fail

The fight with negative emotions is constant.

Yes, I’m a positive person, but I’m no saint. I’m optimistic, but I’m human. Most days are good, but I have dark moments too.

I don’t enjoy feeling resentment, anger, frustration, or rage. But occasionally, I still find myself feeling it. And when those moments come, especially around loved ones, there can be a dissonance between the thoughtful tone of my writing and the rawness of my emotions. In short I can be really unpleasant to be around.

These episodes are usually short-lived and often rooted in guilt. And while I may hurt emotionally, myself and sometimes those close to me, I want to be absolutely clear: I have never, and would never, resort to violence. That is not who I am, and never will be.
But verbal comments can and do sting as well, and they nonetheless can and do hurt those I love.

It’s also important to say this: I know that those around me are on their own emotional journeys too. Watching someone you love fight and decline with a condition like PSP is heartbreaking. Their experience is arguably just as hard, if not harder, than mine. They carry their own fears, frustrations, and grief, and I deeply respect and appreciate that, even if, in my worst moments, I selfishly want people to be focused on my plight.

So why write this?

Because staying positive while living with PSP is more than a full-time job. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t come without work. For me, it comes with moments when my lesser side is triggered. I’m working on it. But I’m not a superhero or a magician. I need time, space, friendly advice, and often, this blog to detox the negative thoughts.

This morning, I’m calm, full of thanks and know how blessed I am. But when you’re literally dying, spending your hard earned savings renovating your downstairs to create a future disabled bedroom, bathroom, and carer space, when you’re sleep-deprived and your eyes blur everything, well, the occasional emotional wobble feels (but isn’t) inevitable.

And yes, it really is objectively okay. But that doesn’t always make it feel better.

Off to yoga now. I need to breathe.

To all with PSP, PD, XYZ – I believe it is normal and if we come through most days more positive than not, we are winnig – the same for those looking after or looking out for us.