More Vanilla?

I recently spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about whether I should order more vanilla ice cream.

Not ordering it. Not eating it. Thinking about it.

I hate the fact that I’ve gained weight since ending up in a wheelchair, despite exercising regularly, and that’s what triggered the debate.

The truth is that my mind was already made up.

It was always going to be a yes but I was justifying it.

A few weeks ago I wrote about “The Vanilla Index” – my unofficial measure of anxiety based on how much I feel I need vanilla. The pain I’ve been describing over the last few days scores very highly on that index.

Living with PSP means my world is smaller than it used to be. My mobility is limited. The nerve pain is significant. Many of the things I once enjoyed are either harder, impossible, or simply less enjoyable than they were before.

Vanilla, however, remains stubbornly vanilla.

Comforting. Familiar. Reliable.

So my brain did what my brain does. It analysed.

Sugar. Calories. Weight gain. Obsessive behaviour. Lack of moderation. Health. Quality of life. Independence. Comfort. Pleasure.

At some point I’m sad enough to have even produced a flowchart.

The flowchart is completely irrelevant because the answer was never hiding in the analysis.

I knew the answer from the start.

Still, I thought the flowchart was quite cool, so I’m sharing it anyway.

Perhaps you’ll recognise your own version of “more vanilla?” somewhere inside it.