Truth or Not: Am I Being an Honest PSP Blogger?

Am I being truthful as a blogger? Am I being authentic or is the positivity/humor (or attempted humor) designed as a way of papering over the cracks as the PSP train rolls. I know it is a bit of a defensive question but it is a real one I have asked myself this and I know people wonder, because a couple of people have asked me directly. It is important because I read blogs which seem like a highlights reel and this is such an important topic.

First let’s start with the easy one…Humour from the absurd comes totally naturally to me. Strange things make me laugh, and there’s no shortage of absurdity in our lives. In fact, things often feel so ridiculous that I could probably work full-time as a sketch writer – though I’d prefer almost any other job.

The truth about being positive is a bit more complicated. But yes, I am telling the truth – filtered through the lens of what I call blog therapy.

The simple fact is: this is horrible and hard. I don’t think I’ve ever said otherwise. It’s a terrible diagnosis with a terrible prognosis, and I don’t deny that. I also don’t deny that it’s probably harder for my wife, kids, my siblings and mother than it is for me – they have to watch from the sidelines. But I am being completely honest when I say that I am happy, satisfied with life, and feel a deep sense of meaning and purpose. I believe this is happening for a reason, even if I don’t understand what that reason is. And I wouldn’t swap my life with anyone else’s. That is all 100% true.

Of course, I get upset, down, depressed, angry, selfish, defensive, and sad. I used to feel most of those things even before PSP 🙂. It wouldn’t be human not to. I’m not a saint, and I make no pretense about it. But I’ve asked myself: what’s the point of being negative? It serves no purpose. I’m a husband, son, brother, and father – and I want to continue being those things. I want to keep having meaning in this world. I don’t want to give up.

I’ve also come to realize that everyone has their own challenges. And to be brutally honest, I think I’d rather face this than some of the challenges others endure – especially when loved ones are impacted.

I talk to myself through the blog and try to always see the positives, helped by the fact that I am a naturally glass half full person.

A neighbour and close friend brought back a gift bookmark quote for me from South Africa, attributed to Nelson Mandela:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

It is so true and I’m trying my best.

When I sit down to write a blog, I often begin with more negative thoughts. But then I reflect and realize the world is truly not so bad. I have the best wife and kids, and I’ve had a very rewarding life – with still much to look forward to. I’m surrounded by love and goodwill, and I have strong faith that there is a higher purpose to all of this.

In many ways, I now have more meaning in my life than ever before. I was a consultant to leading companies and CEOs, and had a rewarding career in M&A, travelling the world. But it wasn’t truly giving to society. Now, I believe I’ve found purpose in the writing I’m doing – drawing on skills from my career – and I’m giving back, even in a small way, through conversations with others facing PSP and their loved ones.

So, in short, I’m not jumping for joy or reveling in the delight of PSP. But I am at peace with the situation, even though I still feel fear for what’s to come. I don’t know how I’ll feel down the line, but having come this far, I’m confident I’ll meet the challenge as gracefully as I can (some would say graceful is the last word to describe me!). I truly hope this journey gives me the chance to keep giving back for a long time.

To stay on the Nelson Mandela theme… one of my favourite movies of all time is Invictus. I don’t know why, but I’ve been known to cry during it, possibly because I was made to play in the scrum at school and it brings back painful memories of the couple of times I tried it . Mandela leaves us with a quote from the famous poem by the same name:

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”

I know I’ve been given a challenge, and I believe I have the means to do my very best. And I’m going to try.

I am telling the truth – but you hear it one step  or possibly two steps refined, after I’ve had the chance to process. I freely admit there are certain topics too personal to blog about, and that won’t change. I hope that’s clear.

Blogging isn’t for everyone – I certainly never imagined I would bare my soul as I do, but it is very cathartic for me and it does seem to help at least a few people – so I will continue and try to be as authentic as possible for as long as possible.