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This week, I had two important conversations about mental health, and for the first time, I feel ready to share my thoughts.
Earlier in the week, I met with an old university friend who is a caregiver for a family member. When we talked about anxiety, he asked how I was coping. He mentioned that the person he cares for takes a certain medication, one I have used occasionally in small doses, and it has helped me.
Recently, I have found myself using it more often and feeling guilty about it. I even tried to hide it from those around me, like the kids, just like so many people do when facing mental health challenges, because of shame, fear of judgment, or false bravery.
Yesterday, during a routine checkup with my HMO psychiatrist, who I was assigned after receiving the diagnosis of PSP, I explained how I have been feeling. She did two things that changed my perspective:
- She validated my feelings. She reiterated that it is completely normal to feel anxiety, especially with PSP (see list at the bottom) and the fear of its impact on loved ones. In fact, it would be strange if I felt “A-OK” about the situation.
- She encouraged proper medication use. She told me that the tiny doses I was taking were far too low. I could safely take up to three or four times more if needed. Her advice made me realize that managing anxiety is not weakness, it is self-care, and actually adds a tool to my armour of things I can do to give myself a better quality of life.
So, to cut a long story short, I feel calmer now that I have acknowledged the situation and taken steps to improve my quality of life. That will help not only me but also those around me.
It may also have a potential by product of calming down my obsession with vanilla ice cream which will be good thing.
I have avoided this for too long. Admitting anxiety is not terrible, it is healthy, but it is hard, really hard. In my case, I think it is understandable to feel anxious, and yes, I do not drive, so safety is not an issue, even for the most courageous amongst us. I know others with different issues who are probably in the same place.
Why write this?
- To acknowledge it for myself
- To thank the person who unknowingly helped me
- To reach anyone struggling with anxiety, especially those dealing with PSP or other terminal illnesses
If this helps even one person, it is worth sharing. I am not advocating medication as a universal solution, for some it is completely wrong, everyone should work with their specialist to find the right approach. For me, the key was admitting the truth and stopping the denial. I will continue to do so alongside therapy, another hugely important component, and for some people enough on its own.
Now, I just need to monitor how the medication interacts with everything else. One step at a time.
Why PSP Brings Intense Anxiety
(As mentioned above, here is why anxiety is such a natural response to PSP)
- Hugely Reduced Life Expectancy, PSP significantly shortens lifespan, which amplifies fear and anxiety
- Unpredictable Progression, Symptoms worsen over time, but the rate and severity vary, creating constant uncertainty and never knowing when the next step change will come
- Loss of Independence, Everyday tasks like walking, eating, and speaking become increasingly difficult
- Impact on Loved Ones, Fear of being a burden and seeing family struggle adds emotional weight
- Limited Treatment Options, No cure and only symptom management can feel daunting
- Physical Risks, Increased risk of falls and injuries due to balance issues, plus the ever-present fear of choking as swallowing becomes harder
- Isolation and Communication Challenges, Speech and eye movement decline make social interaction harder
- Financial Stress, Forced early retirement and loss of income create additional pressure on families
- And many more challenges that come with PSP
