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On some days there is no huge emergency or celebration, just reflection, and that is how today is going so far. But it was an interesting reflection and, hey, as I am bored, I needed to write about it.
I had a lovely moment this morning when I found myself sitting at the same table as my sister, who works with me on occasions, and my daughter, who is on her school summer break and was doing some work.
There were the three of us on computers. My sister was doing her work, my daughter was working and me… actually nothing.
That was when I realised both the profound change and a tinge of sadness.
I had nothing I had to do. Everything was purely discretionary, and I was running extremely low on things to do. To be honest, I was tired, having been up since 3:30am and coming down from an opioid I had taken earlier because of pain. I ended up going for a nap (and anyway they were getting a bit tired of my singing and annoying behaviour).
This is such a profound change from just over a year ago. There is a joy in retirement and it felt so nice and familiar to be sitting with my sister and daughter. But I truly felt bored and a bit empty.
I am learning to deal with this boredom, and I think I am doing okay. I am writing, in case you had not noticed, but I am also tired and exhausted by the smallest of tasks or exercise, and therefore I need the time to rest.
In some ways, it is nice not to have urgent work to deliver, although it sometimes seems that all work these days is being done these days by one man called Claude. It is one of the rare benefits of something that has dealt me so many bad cards – after all I am sitting here in a wheelchair, with a carer in the house and was writhing in pain this morning.
The funny thing is that this morning contained so many of the emotions that seem to appear separately in my writing. The pain. The joy. The boredom. The comfort.
As I sat there looking around the table, I realised that almost everything about my life has changed. Yet for a few moments, sitting with people I love, it also felt wonderfully familiar.
The table was the same. The people were the same.
And yet almost everything else had changed.
Overall, it was familiar and nice.
Have a good day.
