A positive attitude in difficult circumstances is not a given and for many people it is virtually impossible. I have just witnessed a true ‘live’ internal struggle for 90 minutes between the forces in me that want me to mope and feel sorry for myself and those who want me to pick myself up and drive on…Although it was a close contest in which ‘Hope’ lost the first round, it has been declared the clear winner but on points and not by a Knock Out.
If things had not already been beyond strange I would think the last 90 minutes was almost an out of body experience. It was watching a metaphorical boxing match.
I process my thinking largely through writing and I started to write a very depressing blog. It was going to be a clever spin on the number 5. It started to talk about how 5 weeks into my diagnosis of what appears to be PSP and 5 years after original diagnosis with Parkinson’s, I was 5 weeks away from my 50th birthday. It was going to go on to say that despite me always saying “I’m OK” or “It’s OK” or some other variant – it truly is not OK. I then proceeded down a dark route about feeling deeply lonely despite the simply enormous love I am surrounded by. You can sense where this was heading and I stopped myself at this point on the blog….what am I doing?
All of the above has elements of truth but there is a completely different way of looking at it. Trauma and Grief are natural processes and they don’t immediately resolve themselves. It takes time. On diagnosis I was not handed a guidebook/playbook to advise me how to cope with such a horrific prognosis, deal with walking away from a career nurtured for decades, stop the driving you love, face the daily reality of being beached in your home village finding it hard to even walk round the block. This is a new game and I (and my family) have had to teach ourselves how to play and…
When all is said and done, I actually think I am doing pretty well. I have reduced the stress in my life massively which I know has taken away the very significant issues I was having, I have started to slowly get more rest, I am adjusting to this HUGE change and most importantly I believe I am doing well cognitively which is in some ways far more important than the physical conditions.
I’ve felt lonely at times, but the warmth from my friends, neighbors, and amazing family has been immense. With my family and especially the kids, I’ve encouraged them to live their lives fully, keeping PSP from dominating our home—so I can’t complain when I occasionally feel unnoticed in my pain. It’s exactly what I want.
Attitude is everything – and as I sit here now I realize that I am actually blessed in so many ways and that despite all the challenges the only route for me is to fight it and to continue the path of hope. Hope that I beat the odds through a combination of working on myself – body and spirit, support from others, science and technology breakthrough and most importantly prayer and faith that ultimately all of this is G-d’s will and that He can make anything happen.
The point I want to make is actually a critical one – attitude doesn’t come easily…it is often an inner fight. It is not something I switch on and off…life is not so easy. Our challenges are far greater than that and our ability to cope on the other is also greater. I could easily have chosen to take the alternative route today (and some days I do) but it is a constant effort that needs to be made to stay focused on the goal of making the very very best out of what we are given.
I am going to take from this a positive outlook to the day, try to stop being a self centered grump and actually try to go to sleep.
The fight continues….
