Writing blogs is my way of talking to people – I see it now

Call to action for me!!!!!!

It has taken me far too long to fully grasp a major symptom that I am struggling to deal with and that has, without me fully realizing it, changed relationships and brought me to love writing all the more.

It has been raised a couple of times by people and I have noticed that something has changed but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. It is my eyes.

I find it almost impossible to look at people in the eye. I simply don’t do it anymore.

I was out with two of my kids and people’s eye color came up in discussion. I realized I simply don’t know anyone’s eye color because I don’t look at it – I look away from it. I have noticed it in so many other situations recently – walking with friends, in discussion with people and recently my phone not unlocking more often than not.

I have other eye issues – blurry vision (which is why I stopped driving), my vertical gaze (Vertical Eye Palsy) which has been diagnosed for a couple of years and I constantly close my eyes. But these are not my focus for now.

At the beginning of my career I learned the importance of body language and especially eye contact. I did a two-day training course at the National Theatre learning how to use body language and eye contact to convey emotion. It has been a tool of the trade and came so second nature. I now realize I don’t do it. It is so fundamental to the basic communication between people.

I have changed and I only get it now retrospectively – in the last year or so my meetings have got much quicker, much more to the point, I don’t engage with people the way I used to and most relevantly…I far prefer to do as much by the written word. Agreeing things by WhatsApp or email. Writing blogs is my way of talking to people – I see it now

It now makes sense…and I should have ‘seen it’. Looking at the symptom list of PSP retorspectively this morning and last night, it is right there front and center.

Why am I writing this – first I want to acknowledge it to myself because then I can try and fight it, secondly I want people around me to know it is not because I don’t want to look them in the eye – I can’t help it and thirdly because I think people should know.

It is a horrible symptom and completely flying under the radar. I will try my very best to counter it. Loss of engagement with people, depression and changing behavior are things I fear and now I recognize it, I can fight it.

This is not the most positive post ever but it is intended as a message to me more than anything that I have to get on top of this as much as possible and try harder.