Grateful

It is not the word many would use, but it is how I feel tonight.

I have probably been through every emotion today. This morning brought fear, as I again experienced a shutdown moment and was stuck for a good thirty minutes. During the day I felt a huge range of emotions: happiness as my daughter played the guitar for me; anger when I was forced to go to bed because the light almost blinded me when I wanted to go for a walk; and laughter so intense that I was bent double as we looked at the hideousness of the new wheelchair, which my carer said looked as though it had been stolen straight from an eighteenth-century hospital ward.

But as I sit here late at night (with not particularly nice reflux), I feel incredibly calm, reflective and full of gratitude for the life I have had and for the hopes I still carry for the future.

I am not going to travel physically, or indeed do very much physically at all. Yet I have discovered what I believe to be a far more rewarding life of meaning and purpose than the one I had before, running around the world servicing corporations.

I would never say that I wanted this path or this disease. But the choices are made on a different level, one so far above my pay grade that there is little point arguing with it.

I have the opportunity to speak with remarkable people online and through technology, and to offer the perspective I have as a patient, something I never imagined would become such an important part of my life. I have also had the chance to advocate for my country and to explore matters of faith that mean a great deal to me.

For all of that, I am grateful.

In front of me is my birthday present, one of those digital photo frames loaded with countless pictures. I find myself smiling as I watch them scroll by, grateful that I have been able to raise the family I have and enjoy the friendships I have been blessed with.

Life is much simpler now. I am no longer on the treadmill that occupied me for so many years, and I miss much about it: the independence, the fresh air, the adrenaline and the dreams of the future.

But in exchange, at least in this moment, I have something else: a profound sense of gratitude and genuine happiness.

I have no idea what the coming hours will bring as we face the possibility of further regional conflict. Like everyone else, I carry my own worries and uncertainties about what may lie ahead. All I can do is face whatever comes and do my best to deal with it.

My gratitude will come and go. Tomorrow I may moan and complain about the pain, the hassle and the deadly nature of my disease. But right here, right now, I am grateful.