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I think I have learned more about different aspects of life in the last few years than at any other point in my life. Unlike university, these are not electives I chose. They are life lessons handed to me for reasons I do not understand but have learned to accept.
The list of subjects is so long that it would be impossible to write them all down. The latest has been coping with excruciating pain. I have to say that it is not my favourite subject. It may even rank below Latin at school and Advanced Tax exams.
This afternoon provided another lesson. The pain was building quickly. It was not one of the sudden explosions I have experienced recently, but it was heading in the wrong direction. I took Ibuprofen and it did not work. I then took Optalgin and it too failed to stop the pain. Eventually, I reached for an opiate tablet. Within a short time, the pain dropped from an 8 out of 10 to perhaps a 2 or 3.
The result was relief, but not without a price. I am wary of the addictive nature of opiates and I dislike the fog that seems to accompany them. Even so, on this occasion, the trade-off was worth it.
Pain has taught me other lessons too. Deep breathing really helps. The “4 in a box” breathing technique has proved surprisingly effective in moments of agony. I have also discovered that asking kindly for help works better than shouting for it, even when every instinct is urging the opposite.
I am learning that long-term solutions often require patience. Medications such as Gabapentin need time to build up in the body before their benefits become clear. I am also learning that different drugs affect different people in different ways and that finding the right balance can be a journey in itself.
Another lesson has been the importance of continuing to exercise. Pain encourages surrender. It whispers that rest is the only sensible option. Yet I know that giving in completely would only create new problems. The challenge is to keep moving while respecting the limits that pain imposes. I did a Yoga session with my carer this morning. It was hard and we avoided a few movements but it was so important to keep pushing.
Perhaps the biggest lesson of all is understanding just how debilitating chronic pain can be. Millions of people live with nerve pain, severe back pain, migraines and countless other conditions. Until you experience it yourself, it is difficult to appreciate how profoundly it can shape every aspect of life.
Yet again, I find myself returning to a conclusion that has become familiar throughout my journey with PSP. Many things are far harder than I expected, but they are also more manageable than I imagined. The reality can be shocking, but it can still be faced.
None of us knows the counterfactual. We never know what would have happened had we made a different choice. We can only make the best decision we can with the information available at the time and then move forward.
So I continue learning. I am learning about retirement. I am learning about PSP. It seems that G-d has also decided that I should become knowledgeable about pain.
What the next subject will be, I have no idea.
If I am allowed a preference, I would like it to be something pleasant for a change. Somehow, though, I suspect another challenge is waiting around the corner. If it is, I will do my best to learn that lesson too.
For all the difficulties, the effort is worth it. Despite the pain, I enjoyed a wonderful Shabbat with my family. I played board games, spent really nice time with my mother and byt he way won most of the games. Even the opiates were unable to prevent that achievement.
We are all stronger than we think. We are built to face challenges that initially seem impossible. The rewards of continuing to engage with life, family, friends and moments of happiness make the struggle worthwhile.
I wish everyone a good week ahead and the strength to face whatever lessons life places before us.
