Vacation /HolidayTime Is Tough for Me

Summer used to be one of my favourite times of the year.

If it had been up to me, we’d have been on a plane somewhere by now. Over the years we had some wonderful family vacations, mainly across Europe. I was usually the one looking for the next destination or spotting a good deal. I loved the excitement of planning it all almost as much as the trip itself. I used to rush through the airport in my work travel mode, with my family barely able to catch up.

Sadly, that’s no longer possible.

Even a year ago, when I was in a much better place physically than I am today, I couldn’t make the cruise my wife and I had booked to celebrate our joint 50th birthdays. Instead, my wife went with our daughter. I was genuinely pleased they could still enjoy it, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

These days my world is much smaller. Most days I move between my chair, my bed, the bathroom and, if all goes well, the dining table. Every so often I make it to synagogue or to a medical appointment, but vacations are no longer part of my life.

People naturally try to cheer me up. They remind me that holidays are expensive, airports are crowded and travelling can be exhausting. They’re absolutely right, but that’s never really been the point.

I don’t miss the flights.

I miss making memories with my family.

I miss discovering new places together. I miss sitting around a breakfast table planning the day ahead. I even miss the things that went wrong, because they’re usually the stories everyone laughs about years later. Like the frantic Friday morning trip to Belfast to renew our UK passports before we flew to EuroDisney two days later. At the time it was stressful. Looking back, I loved the buzz.

I’m not generally a jealous person, but this is probably my one small well of envy. When I see families setting off on vacation, I wish I could do the same.

Thankfully, we’re still a very close family. The children understand my situation and I never feel left behind emotionally, even if I can’t always be there physically. And yes, I probably save a few dollars by not travelling, although employing a full-time carer rather changes that calculation!

This wasn’t how my wife and I imagined this stage of our lives. We always thought that once the children were older we’d have the freedom to travel more together. As the saying goes, “Man plans and G-d laughs.” It seems He had something different in mind.

That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

At fifty-one, it hurts to know that I’m effectively tied to the small town where I live. I miss seeing new places and experiencing different parts of the world. Pretending otherwise wouldn’t be honest.

But life is about more than vacations.

This year my attention is on something very different. I’m preparing to lead part of the prayers over the Jewish New Year, and that means a great deal to me. It gives me something positive to work towards and something to look forward to.

Would I swap it for boarding a plane with my family? If I’m being truthful, probably yes.

I’d still rather be packing a suitcase with my family. But this year I have something else to prepare for, and I’ll throw myself into that instead.

Have a little consideration for those who can’t do the normal things – it is sometimes hard.