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Heavier weights in the gym are easier for me than light ones.
It sounds completely backwards, but it is something that has been happening consistently in my physiotherapy sessions. Whether I am bench pressing, pulling on a pulley machine or moving weights out to the side, my movements often become steadier and more controlled as the resistance increases.
I am not a weightlifter. Before PSP arrived, I did virtually no exercise at all. Since becoming ill, however, I have exercised regularly and built some strength. Even so, my physiotherapist, my live-in carer and I have all noticed something rather odd. I frequently struggle to coordinate lighter weights but seem to cope markedly better as the load increases.
Recently, I performed a pulley exercise at 10 kg, then 20 kg, then 30 kg and finally 35 kg. Rather than becoming progressively more difficult, it seemed to become easier with each increase in weight. The same thing happens during part of my morning exercise routine when I lift a weight from shoulder height and extend my arm as high as I can. Somehow, 3 kg often feels harder to control than 8 kg.
How does that make any sense?
At first I assumed it didn’t. Yet after weeks of noticing the same pattern, I started looking to see whether there might be an explanation. To my surprise, there may actually be some science behind it.
The closest research I found comes from Parkinson’s disease rather than PSP, and I should stress that I am not suggesting the two conditions are the same. Nevertheless, one study comparing 40 people with Parkinson’s disease and 40 people without it found the expected bradykinesia, or slowness of movement, when people lifted light and moderate loads. However, when they lifted heavy loads, the bradykinesia was no longer apparent. The researchers themselves described this as a surprising finding that warranted further investigation.
That immediately caught my attention because it sounds remarkably similar to what I experience.
There is also some PSP-related research that may be relevant. In one study, researchers described what they called “excessive force scaling”. In simple terms, the problem may not be strength alone. PSP may interfere with the brain’s ability to judge how much force a task requires and then produce the appropriate amount while keeping the body stable.
That distinction feels important to me because what I experience does not really feel like a problem of strength. It feels more like a problem of coordination. A heavier weight does not seem easier because I am stronger than it. Rather, it feels as though I can organise the movement more effectively.
There are several possible explanations. One involves proprioception, the brain’s awareness of where the body is in space. A heavier weight creates stronger feedback from muscles, tendons and joints, giving the nervous system far more information to work with. Perhaps my brain struggles with the relatively weak signals produced by a light weight but performs better when those signals become stronger and clearer.
Another possibility is that a heavier weight acts as a kind of physical cue. Researchers have long observed that people with Parkinson’s can sometimes move more effectively when given strong external cues, such as rhythmic sounds or visual targets. Perhaps a heavier weight performs a similar function by providing a signal that is harder for the nervous system to ignore.
Or perhaps the explanation is simpler still. A heavier weight may actually reduce the number of ways a movement can be performed. With a light weight there are countless options, but a heavy weight forces the body into a more organised pattern. The honest answer is that I do not know. What seemed completely absurd may not be absurd after all, but it remains a hypothesis rather than an explanation.
None of this means heavier weights are automatically better or safer. My balance is dreadful and I can topple over at the slightest opportunity. Everything I do in the gym happens under supervision and in carefully controlled conditions. This is not advice; it is simply an observation.
What fascinates me is that the observation fits into a much larger pattern. PSP seems to create an inverse reality in which things frequently behave in exactly the opposite way I would expect them to.
An hour ago, I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. Yet I could not sleep. Sometimes a completely harmless noise startles me so dramatically that I scream and frighten everyone around me. Sometimes bright light and sound become unbearable and I have to retreat into darkness, while on other days they barely trouble me at all. After the gym today my face, shoulders and hand became so rigid that speaking was difficult; less than an hour later I was dictating normally again.
Why these things happen when they do, I honestly do not know.
That uncertainty lies at the heart of PSP. The cause is uncertain. The precise subtype is often uncertain. The sequence of symptoms is uncertain. The next thing that will stop working properly is uncertain. One minute you feel mentally capable and the next you do not. One minute you feel physically capable and the next you do not. Sometimes both happen at once.
Loved ones understandably want explanations. I wish I could give them. But often I cannot explain the disease because I cannot explain it to myself.
I cannot smell. I can barely write with a pen. I cannot stand upright without feeling as though gravity has developed a personal grudge against me. My eyes no longer move properly up or down, and now my horizontal movement is gradually diminishing too. Sometimes I can type quickly. Sometimes I struggle to type a single word. Sometimes I can dictate effortlessly and sometimes I cannot.
The symptoms themselves are difficult, but the unpredictability is often worse. Just when you think you have understood the rules, PSP changes them.
And then, to make things stranger still, you put me in a gym, hand me a substantial weight and discover that the heavy one may be easier than the light one.
How can I explain this disease to the people I love when I cannot even explain it to myself?
It is simply so weird.
