Project “Not Yesterday”

Yesterday PSP landed a punch that took me to the canvas. It was the lowest day I can remember. But if you are fortunate enough to get back to your feet, you do not simply carry on. You learn from what hit you, you adjust, and you try not to get caught the same way twice. That is why Project “Not Yesterday” starts today.

The brief is simple: yesterday is not to be repeated.

Mentally, physically and behaviourally, it was the day PSP showed me, in full, what it is capable of.

I choked badly and am still feeling the effects. I was immobile, frozen, powered down and incredibly weak several times throughout the day. By the evening, I had to be helped into bed. Worse, my anger surfaced more than once.

If that was not enough, a first occurred that I would rather place firmly in the personal dignity category and leave there. The British in me forbids further discussion.

Then came one completely stupid moment. While my carer was on his day off, I managed to spill boiling hot honey and lemon all over myself. Thankfully, quick action from my wife and daughter, together with the fact that I was wearing both a T-shirt and an undershirt, my tzitzit, prevented what could have been a serious burn to my chest.

By the evening, I was so low that I had separate WhatsApp conversations with two friends that rank among the lowest moments I can remember.

I will probably keep those messages forever. Not because they were pleasant, but because they remind me that when I was at my lowest, people were there.

Some of this had been building.

A few days ago, I wrote a message that ended with the words “so so sad.” Writing those words, and feeling so deeply for my family, hit me harder than I expected. It took longer than I would like to admit to pull myself back from that place.

Some of what happened yesterday was me. But the overwhelming majority was PSP. Yes, PSP.

What makes the day even more extraordinary is that it still contained reasons to smile.

I had slept well. I won a chess game against a friend. I reconnected with someone I had not spoken to for more than 30 years. For a few moments, those things genuinely lifted me, even if at one point the smile literally became stuck on my face.

Most of all, I was not alone.

I had my wife, my family, especially my mother-in-law who is visiting from abroad, my mum and sister checking in, my friends, two in particular, and the calmness and good nature of others helping me through. That is quite an army. I am a lucky man.

This morning, looking back, I realised I also need to give myself at least a little credit. Not for having a good day, because it most certainly was not. But for getting through it.

For listening a little more to the advice of others. For accepting help. For speaking rather than bottling things up. And for being slightly less hard on myself than I might once have been.

Most of all, I thank G-d and the people around me for getting me through what was, without question, the lowest of low days.

So what does Project “Not Yesterday” actually mean?

It means starting with an additional therapist today and recognising that I need more support. It means continuing to speak when things are difficult rather than trying to carry everything myself.

It means doing everything I can to make this coming Shabbat and Simchat Torah, with all the difficult associations Simchat Torah now carries, as enjoyable as possible for our special guests, and focusing on bringing happiness to others rather than dwelling endlessly on myself.

It means continuing to separate PSP from who I am. PSP is part of my life. It is increasingly affecting my body, my behaviour and, at times, my ability to control either. But it is not me.

It also means continuing to write. Writing helps me process what is happening, understand it and decide how I want to respond. More than one person has pointed out how important that is for me, and they are right. But it also means remembering that everyone around me is carrying something too.

Most of all, Project “Not Yesterday” means searing 1 October 2026 into my memory.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am hopeless at remembering dates, except for a few specific ones.

This is the one date from my PSP journey that I am determined to remember.

Not because of how low it was. Because it became the day I discovered that even a day like that could end.

I do not know what PSP has planned next. I know there will be more difficult days. I know yesterday may not remain unique. Progressive diseases do not make promises.

But yesterday PSP landed one of its hardest punches.

And I got back up.

Project “Not Yesterday” is not about pretending yesterday did not happen. It is about learning from it.

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start pushing upwards again.

Hopefully, this was mine.

And even after yesterday, I remain massively blessed with the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and plenty of reasons to smile.

Even if the smile occasionally sticks.

Wishing you all a peaceful Shabbat Shalom and a good weekend.